By Terence Cole @talesfromterry
Years ago, like many single people, I was swimming in the dating pool. Well, swimming may not be the best way to describe it. Like many singles, I was trying not to drown in the dating pool!
I’ve been with a woman who is a good match for me for a while. However, there were definitely dating struggles before meeting her. I thought about dating the other day, and I realized that there are four kinds of dates that a person can go on: “Boy likes Girl – Girl likes Boy,” “Boy likes Girl – Girl couldn’t care less about Boy,” “Girl likes Boy – Boy couldn’t care less about Girl,” and “Boy and Girl couldn’t care less about each other.” Try and think of the past dates that you’ve had. I guarantee that they fall into one of these four categories.
Only “Boy likes Girl – Girl likes Boy” dates even remotely have a chance for long-term success. You cannot make somebody like you, somebody cannot make you like him or her, and you sure as heck aren’t going to be with someone for long whom you could take or leave. I’m not saying that you can’t have a relationship with someone when there isn’t chemistry on both sides, but there will be serious drawbacks. Drawbacks like cheating, stalking, and restraining orders.
Tip from Terence: In college, one of my roommates gave me a piece of brilliant advice. He told me that he only dates girls he would consider marrying. If I had actually taken his advice at the time he gave it, then I would have saved close to $10,000. Let that sink in, because I certainly have.
Let’s take a closer look at the four kinds of dates.
Right now I am going out on dates that fall into the category of “Boy likes Girl – Girl likes Boy.” My lady is very attractive and I always have a good time with her. How do I know that this relationship is not one-sided? Because when I call her she is available. What is availability? Availability is accepting a date without hesitation:
Terence: “Do you want to go out this weekend?”
Note that she didn’t say, “What kind of car do you drive?”, “Will your cute friend be there?”, or “I can order steak and lobster, right?” She accepted without hesitation. She knows that details can be nailed down later. It is just important for her to be with me.
When you are in a “Boy likes Girl – Girl likes Boy” relationship, you’ll agree to things that you wouldn’t normally agree to, just to make that person happy. For a year, I cooked weekly spaghetti dinners for my lady, before she told me that she has bad reactions to flour. Tonya ate what I cooked because she knew I enjoyed it and wanted to make me happy. What’s something that I’ve done to make her happy? Move to other countries. I enjoy travel, but it took her being beside me to do it for years at a time. When you love someone, you’ll sacrifice for happiness.
The next type of date is a “Boy likes Girl – Girl couldn’t care less about Boy” date. These dates suck. If you are head-over-heels for a girl, then your intelligence drops like a stone, and there is almost nothing that you won’t do in order to be with her.
My senior year in high school I met a German girl named Eileen. When I first laid eyes on her I could barely breathe. She was exotic, stylish, and pretty. After she opened her mouth I was smitten because of her European accent. The trouble with being smitten is that you become stupid:
Eileen: “Hi, my name is Eileen. You know. Like the song.”
Terence: “Yeah, I love the Beatles!”
Right after I said that I turned around and mouthed the words, “What the —-?” The Beatles? Almost anything would have been better than saying that! She smiled at me and thankfully chose to let my comment slide. We then talked for a while:
Eileen: “I run track. Do you run at all, Terry?”
Terence: “A little.” (This is a lie)
Eileen: “We should get together and run sometime.”
Terence: “That would be great!” (This is also a lie)
If you are on a “Boy likes Girl – Girl couldn’t care less about Boy” date, you will compromise almost everything just to be with her. Even if she makes it abundantly clear that she is into someone else! Eileen was interested in a guy named Jake. I knew that she wanted to be with Jake, because she told me that she did. And I listened to her talk about Jake while on dates with her that I was paying for! I went after her for six months, until one day I realized that I’d never be able to have her. She wanted me as a friend-boy, not a boyfriend. Please, if you are going on these kinds of dates, then stop immediately!
The next type of date is a “Girl likes Boy – Boy couldn’t care less about Girl” date. This is exactly like “Boy likes Girl – Girl couldn’t care less about Boy,” except in reverse. In this situation, the guy isn’t going to compromise hardly anything for the girl, because he knows that he doesn’t have to. If he acts like a gentleman, she’ll love him. If he acts normal, she’ll like him. Even if he acts like a jerk she’ll still tolerate him, because she wants to be with him so badly. The trouble for a guy in this situation is the conflict of “Nobility vs. Ribaldry.” Nobility says, “I wonder if I should?” Ribaldry says, “I wonder if she would?”
Years ago, I knew a girl named Joanne. Joanne and I were friends and she became interested in me, but my attention was elsewhere. There was a turnaround dance (a dance in which the girls ask the boys) at my school. Joanne wanted to ask a guy from another school to the dance. However, before she asked him, she asked me if the first guy did not accept would I go with her? I told her yes. The first guy was not able to go and she ended up asking me. I later thought about it and my ego refused to allow me to be the “backup guy.”
Because she had asked me second, I decided to let her know that was unacceptable:
Terence: “I’ll go with you to the dance, but you’ll have to ask me again.”
Joanne: “What do you mean?”
Terence: “I don’t know, but I didn’t like how you did it the first time.”
Sounds like I was a jerk, right? That’s because I was. If a guy doesn’t care, he makes it known by doing things that show that he doesn’t care. Things like telling a girl what she’s doing isn’t good enough for him. Now, if a girl likes him, she will ignore most of what he does and go along with his crap. Joanne brought me a bag with stuffed animals and candy the next day and “re-asked” me to the dance. I accepted the second time. Not only did she pay for the dance and the dinner, but she bought gifts because she wanted to appease me. “Girl likes Boy – Boy couldn’t care less about Girl” dates do not work out at all, because somebody is going to get the short end of the stick.
The last kind of date is the “Boy and Girl couldn’t care less about each other” date. Why would a guy go out with a girl he doesn’t care about? And why would she accept if she’s not interested in him? A guy may ask out a girl he doesn’t care about if he’s bored, lonely, randy, or his friends are out with their girlfriends. A girl may accept a night out from a guy she doesn’t care about if she’s bored, lonely, randy, or her friends are out with their boyfriends. The problem is that these dates are completely useless.
I asked out a girl I really didn’t care about named Amy. Amy was cute, smart, and driven; none of this mattered because I wasn’t interested in her and I knew that she wasn’t interested in me. I remember right before our second date I felt like backing out of it. We ended up going out to dinner anyway, but she was so close to receiving this call:
Terence: “Yeah, Amy. I’m gonna have to cancel.”
Amy: “Why? Did something come up?”
Terence: “Nope. I just don’t care.”
If you are in the dating pool, please remember that only the “Boy likes Girl – Girl likes Boy” dates matter. It may be temping to try out one of the other kinds, but in the end you will just be inviting heartache or wasting money. Dating can be fun and exciting, but really is only worth it if you are with the right person. Keep these four kinds of dates in mind and try not to drown in the dating pool!
What do you think? Join the discussion on Facebook!